Kristen the Piston Incident#1 (Constipation Caretaker)

I have two younger sisters.

    Okay, big deal.

One of them is normal, and the other one… isn’t.

    So, everyone thinks their siblings are crazy.

Everyone thinks their siblings are crazy? I know mine are.

    Oh, yeah? Prove it.

Fine. I’m the oldest child in my family. There are three of us. Me, Kristen, and Kara. Kristen is the crazy one. Man, you won’t believe the things she’s said and done! In this story, and in future stories to come, you’ll hear a true story about my sister and her big fat mouth and stubborn personality. So sit back, relax, and make sure you’re not eating or drinking while reading this… You can’t swallow and laugh at the same time, you know.

This took place when she was three years old. We were in Walmart, and for the third time since we had gotten there, Kristen had to go to the bathroom (I swear she has a bladder the size of a walnut!). So my mom left Kara and I with our dad, and took Kristen to the restroom. I sort of feel bad for the woman who was in there at the time. She was obviously feeling stuck, because she was breathing heavily and mumbling things like, “Oh, Lord…help me Jesus…oh mercy…” (As you can see, when they relayed the story to me they left out literally no details…). So anyway, Kristen hears this lady, and says to my mom, “Mommy, she thinks she’s in Church!” My mother quickly hushes her and starts to lead her to a restroom stall, and the lady goes, “Oh Lord, help me…!” Kristen’s eyes get wide and she exclaims, “Mommy, help her! She needs help!” My mom shoots her the infamous death stare and tries to get her to a stall as quickly as possible. All of a sudden, the lady’s moaning and groaning gets louder (most likely because she’s finally working some things loose). So Kristen goes into panic mode, and runs to the lady’s stall, sticks her head under the stall door and tells the lady, “It’s okay lady, my mom has a phone with 911 on speed dial!” My mom quickly hoists her up off the ground and takes her to a stall, and as she’s doing her business, the lady suddenly gets quiet (finally… relief!). My younger sister looks up at my mom with a mournful face and says, “Momma, it’s too late. She died in there!”



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